WE WOULD have loved to start 2014 with a message of hope and optimism, something heart-warming that would help customers start the year in a positive frame of mind, but we just couldn’t think of anything that would raise spirits, apart from the fact that this is a World Cup year.
But this means nothing to people who are not of the football faith, while those who are know that the World Cup could be a big disappointment and the high hopes and expectations in the run-up a wasted emotional investment. At best, it can act as distraction for a month, a brief respite from a year of economic and psychological depression.
What else is there to look forward to in 2014? Higher taxes, diminished earnings, high interest rates, less cash in circulation, more businesses closing down, rising unemployment, more NPLs, moaning union bosses, European parliament elections and, worst of all, the sell-off of profit-making SGOs.
How could we approach the year with even the slightest hint of hope when the criminal comrade Tof is a free man living off the taxpayer, that abysmal failure masquerading as a Central Bank governor still enjoys the backing of the ECB, DIKO will be without Garoyian’s visionary leadership and the BoC is under the chairmanship of a guy who seems to care more about his hair-style than the balance sheet.
In view of all this could we really heed the advice of the classic Monty Python song and Always look on the bright side of life? I think we can as Kyproulla would still be a much better place to live in 2014 than Syria.
WE MAY have failed to mention the non-existent prospects of a Cyprob settlement as another reason for psychological and economic depression but that is because it is not. In fact the Cyprob stalemate is the only remaining constant in our lives.
In the previous year everything was turned upside down in Kyproulla, all our certainties shattered by the bail-in and memorandum. We surrendered control of our lives to the troika tyranny, which has been calling the shots, even telling the poor public parasites what times they should go to work.
The only certainty we still have in our lives is our beloved Cyprob. We can still wake up every morning knowing that at least one thing in our life has not changed and remains a beacon of constancy untouched by the meddling tyrants of the troika.
Without any prospect of a settlement it can carry on acting as our one inspiration, our unyielding struggle for a fair and just solution, a reason to live at a time of existential and moral crisis. We sincerely hope the word or words that would allow agreement on a joint declaration are not found in any dictionary because we need our problem intact, to see us through this difficult year.
There was a positive development on Friday when Dervis Eroglu rejected Prez Nik’s latest proposal for a joint statement that would kick off the talks. Given that Nik is hell-bent on finding a solution we would have to rely on unwavering Turkish intransigence to keep our problem in the form and shape we like.
AND NOW it is time for our predictions for 2104, which have been compiled by our two resident coffee-cup readers, assisted by a psychic, a clairvoyant, a gypsy fortune teller and a drunken astrologer.
JANUARY – The government puts back the deadline for the payment of road tax by three months for the owners of Japanese-made cars that are below 1400cc and were manufactured before 1995 as a targeted measure to help vulnerable groups and illegal immigrants. All other car owners are given a three week extension to settle their bill.
Marcos Baghdatis advances to the quarter-final of the Australian Open for the second time in his career but has to withdraw in the third set after he pulls a muscle celebrating winning the second set tiebreaker.
FEBRUARY – Public protests against the privatisation of CyTA intensify, with one union boss dousing himself in petrol and threatening to light himself up if the government did not abandon its plans; at the same time another union leader is on the roof of the Shacolas Tower shouting ‘state ownership or death’ and threatening to jump. Both are eventually persuaded by their colleagues to avoid such drastic action. Instead they join a hunger strike being held by 50 overweight CyTA workers outside the presidential palace.
Paralimni enters the Guinness Book of World Record again, for the longest souvla spit in the world. It measures 60 metres long and barbecues 58 whole lambs in one go. The charcoal is placed in a trench in the ground. The original idea was to use the super-spit to barbecue 2,000 ambelopoulia in one go but it was abandoned after the intervention of the government.
MARCH – A new formula for the joint declaration that would be acceptable by both sides and open the way for the peace talks has been prepared by Big Bad Al and his team of advisors. The declaration will no longer consist of written text but illustrations and cartoons that carry less political meaning. Both sides have warmed to this innovative idea but disagree on the type of cartoons that should be used. Prez Nik prefers the minimalist type used in The Simpsons and South Park, while Eroglu prefers the more elaborate style employed in super-hero comics.
The troika carried out its progress review and commends the government for the fine work it has been doing in implementing the memorandum. Its only criticism was that there were fewer people below the poverty line than it had forecast. The government said it would do its best to meet this target by the next review
APRIL – Prez Nik decides to honour his election promise to legalise marijuana and submits the relevant bill to the House for approval. Many deputies are opposed to the bill, as is the Church and employers federations, which feel easy access to weed would lower productivity. Nik manages to get the bill approved after telling deputies that cannabis legalisation was a commitment of the government under the memorandum; the weed would be taxed, generating additional revenue for the state.
MAY – The hunger strike by the CyTA workers continues even though people have been seen taking food to the protesters after midnight and in the early hours. This may explain why after two months none of the 50 strikers appear to have lost any weight. The government refuses to give in to the protesters even though it has been unable to find anyone willing to buy CyTA even at a 50 per cent discount. Privatisation could still be averted not because of the hunger strike but because no buyer can be found. The troika has not decided what would happen in such a case.
JUNE – Bank of Piraeus has decided to give a gift of €1,000 to every Cypriot citizen to prove that its advert which boasts that the bank was motivated by selflessness and humanity was not grossly misleading as some individuals had claimed. They had complained about the bank’s misleading advertising to the consumers’ association which sought explanations. This exercise will cost the bank about €500 million, but still leave it with a profit of more than one billion from the purchase of the branches of the Cypriot banks in Greece. The donation of the half billion caused jubilation but received negative coverage from the media because their advertising budgets would be cut by Piraeus.
JULY – Cyprus gains another entry into the Guinness Book of World Records and this time for something much more serious than a big souvla spit. It becomes the country with the biggest number of refugees as a proportion of its population. Thanks to the government’s decision, supported by all parties, to grant refugee status to children of refugee mothers, Kyproulla now has 600,000 refugees. The Greek Cypriot refugees represent 75 per cent of the population. We have had a 300 per cent increase in the number of refugees since 1974.
Sorry we have to stop here, but our team cannot see beyond the end of July.
ONE OF OUR regulars sent us the full list of the 2013 Darwin Awards which ‘honour the least evolved among us’ or, in more blunt language, ‘the colossally stupid’. No Cypriot politician has won this distinction because it is awarded for actions rather than words as you will see below.
The winner: When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
Here is also a selection of those who received honourable mentions:
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for three days.
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15.
When a man attempted to siphon petrol from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal petrol, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had and the perpetrator had been punished enough.