Our establishment is now offering a free Troika bar with every cup of skettos to help sweeten the bitter taste of a bailout deal. The bar is made in Norway. It consists of three distinct layers. The top layer is soft raspberry jelly, the middle layer is truffle, and the bottom one is marzipan. It is also covered with dark chocolate. Our sources tell us that the commie cooks up at the palazzo de popolo are working on a counter bar they say will be a billion times better than the Troika. Called The Pinocchio, it will have an outer shell made from crispy wood, and be filled with chewy sawdust, and it will cost twice as much.
EVERYONE in our establishment was asking the same question on hearing that the 2012 Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to the EU: Would Comrade Tof be going to Oslo, as president of the country holding the presidency of the Council of the European Union, to receive the award?
It would be a fantastic send-off for the man, a couple of months before he is due to step down. The award ceremony usually takes place in December so he has every right to be in Oslo to receive the award, on behalf of the EU Council. It would be one job of the EU presidency for which we would not ask for Denmark’s help.
The Commission was asked on Friday who would be receiving the award on behalf of the Union and the spokesman said no decision had been taken. So there is still a chance it would be the comrade, although the big boys, Barroso and Van Rompuy, must be considered the favourites to represent the Union.
But if Barroso and Van Rompuy cannot agree which one would go, the comrade could be sent, as a compromise. It would be indirect recognition for his unwavering efforts to secure peace and reconciliation in Cyprus, in spite of Turkish intransigence, without asphyxiating time-frames.
If he goes he could give the Nobel committee a brief lecture on how mistaken it was to award the 1990 peace prize to Mikhail Gorbachev, the man who destroyed the Soviet Union.
THE FARCE surrounding the government’s counter-proposals continues. The comrade met union bosses on Friday and had a “very creative and constructive meeting”. He told them that the government would examine their suggestions which would be discussed at another meeting.
Today he will meet representatives of the employers’ organisations to discuss their proposals regarding our side’s counter-proposals. Tomorrow he will have his second meeting with the party leaders who are expected to submit their suggestions on how to improve the government’s counter-proposals.
Initially the government had said it would finalise its counter-proposals, at the second meeting with the party leaders, and send these to the troika. But would there be enough time to examine the party leaders’ suggestions and reach agreement on the package on Monday?
Even if Monday’s meeting goes fantastically well and ends in agreement, the comrade would then have to see the union bosses to discuss the issues they had raised on Friday; employers’ representatives could also be granted a second meeting. If he agrees to union proposals, he would then have to meet the party leaders to secure their agreement...
IS THERE any point to all these meetings, considering that the government’s counter-proposals had already been sent to the troika? Finance minister Shiarly, before going to his barber, Saturday before last, had told the Trito radio, morning show that the government’s counter-proposals had been sent to the troika.
By night time Shiarly had changed his story - speaking on the RIK evening news from Luxembourg to where he had flown after his hair-cut - to say the counter-proposals had not been sent to the troika, which got hold of the document from the internet. Stef Stef repeated this fairy-tale on Monday morning.
On Tuesday, the head of the IMF Christine Lagarde said some proposals had been received from the Cyprus government and were being looked at. The next morning Stef-Stef, whose lying has become crudely amateurish, said the government had neither sent nor conveyed any proposals to the troika. Asked who gave them to the IMF he said they took them from the newspapers.
Next time Lagarde speaks to press, a hack should ask her in which Cyprus newspaper the IMF read our counter-proposals.
WHEN HE was publicly rubbishing the counter-proposals which ‘slaughtered’ the poor, defenceless parasites 10 days ago, PASYDY tyrant Glafcos Hadjimourmouris, said something that appeared to make no sense.
He claimed the measures had not been prepared by the finance ministry and he knew this because he had been informed by his union’s members. “The measures we were presented were cooked up elsewhere,” he said, conspiratorially.
He was correct. Our establishment has found out that our counter-proposals were indeed cooked up elsewhere, specifically, in the kitchens of the palazzo del popolo, with Comrade Tof as the head chef, and his merry band of economically clueless associates – Sillykiotis, Stef-Stef and his pourekka Sotiroulla. Finance minister Shiarly, who knows a thing or two about cooking, was not even invited to chop onions and peel potatoes.
This gang of four unreformed communists, without knowledge of market economics (two studied political science in Bulgaria, the third engineering in Germany and the head chef history in the Soviet Union) cooked up those pathetically, pitiful proposals.
And it is not just our biased establishment that says so. An article about the plan in Tuesday’s Financial Times said: “A government plan unveiled last week was worse than useless. It emphasised tax increases, not expenditure cuts...”
WE WOULD like to apologise to Shiarly, for last week’s unflattering words, regarding the counter-proposals, which we had wrongly assumed he had put together on the instructions of the omniscient comrade. We now know that he had nothing to do with the drafting of the plan, his only contribution being to send it to the troika (or tell them to read about in the newspapers) and to present it as not worse than useless, despite knowing that it is.
ONE THING the comrade told his union comrades on Friday was that the state was very short of cash and had to sign the memorandum with the troika.
This cash shortage is already being felt by contractors who had done work for the government months ago and are still waiting to be paid. One small contractor, who occasionally has a metrios in our establishment, said he was considering laying off three employees because he had not received the money owed to him by the state and could not afford to pay them any longer.
The government is behaving like the Orphanides supermarket chain, many of the suppliers of which are struggling to stay afloat because of non-payment by the public company. The irony is that Orphanides, is being kept afloat by the bankrupt Popular Bank, which stands to lose tens, if not hundreds, of millions if the company goes under, setting off a chain reaction of bankruptcies.
THE RECESSION has also taken its toll on the media. The Zeus group has reportedly decided to stop the daily publication of Simerini and keep it going as a Sunday paper, from February.
The reason it would be kept going until then is the hope that the government would publish the electoral lists ahead of the presidential elections. This nets dailies some €90,000 each (weeklies receive a fraction of this amount), but the group is being very optimistic if it thinks the government would have the funds for such an extravagance.
Other developments are also taking place on the media’s Mount Olympus. Persistent rumours suggest that supreme ruler Zeus Hadjicostis, is currently negotiating the sale of the group to a US company dealing with hydrocarbon exploration.
THE BANKRUPT Ayios Dhometios municipality would welcome a buy-out by a US company, but as this is not going to happen it is resorting to bullying tactics to raise cash.
The municipality has been trying to increase the one per cent tax it has been collecting on all bets at the Nicosia Race Club, because revenue has fallen. Whereas in 2008 it took more than a million euro, its tax revenue in 2012 would be €600,000, the mayor Costas Petrou has complained.
The Race Club, which had been recording big losses in the last few years, secured government permission to take bets on horse-racing abroad since last month, in order to increase its income and the cash-strapped municipality is now demanding a cut of this.
In a letter to the Race Club, Mayor Petrou said that “while the Club would continuously take super-profits from overseas betting, the Ayios Dhometios municipality’s revenue would continuously fall,” because betting on local racing would decrease.
Is the mayor running a local authority or a protection racket?
THE TERMS imposed by the unions, with the blessing of Pourekka’s ministry of unions, on farmers employing foreign workers, could also be described as a protection racket.
A farmers’ leader was quite rightly protesting earlier this week, about the €200 a year farmers have to pay a union for medical cover for each foreign worker, as a condition for being granted a work permit by the ministry. Of course to be entitled to the medical cover, €50 membership fee has to be paid to the union as well.
The only problem is that union-approved doctors are in the towns, too far away for the farm-workers, who have no car, to ever visit them.
STATE school teachers are going out of their way to earn the title of most objectionable public parasites. They are already threatening dynamic measures against the proposed pay cuts and their unions would be meeting this week to discuss measures to disrupt education.
They really have a nerve. Cyprus’ teachers are the second highest-paid in the EU, they work the fewest days (less than half the days of the year thanks to the abundance of saints’ days and national days that are observed) and fewest hours per week; and many of them take their full entitlement of sick leave as well.
In their defence, a union boss, said that teachers spent many non-school hours on lesson preparation, as if teachers in other countries did not. So much time and effort is put into preparing lessons that half their students need afternoon private lessons in order to get an education.
AND THEN we wonder why university students are always insisting that they should be granted everything free by the state. It is because they have had very good teachers.
The head of the association of university unions complained to a newspaper on Monday because Cyprus University students, who pay no tuition fees, had to pay for materials and equipment (nurses uniforms, musical instruments, design folders) used in their courses.
He also had the nerve to express outrage over the Senate’s plans to charge for parking spaces in the university’s premises. Free education must come with free parking for the poor students’ cars.
PROPOSALS for growth and development were presented by the government on Wednesday. It would spend €300 million on supporting small to medium businesses and Pourekka’s ill-conceived job creation schemes that increase unemployment. The only problem is that it does not have the money. It hopes the oil exploration licensing round would raise €200 million and the remainder would come from EU finds. It is another worse than useless plan cooked up in the palazzo kitchen.
IF THE GOVERNMENT really wants to save some money it could always sack Yiorkos Iacovou, who is on 100 grand a year and has nothing to do. He would collect a massive monthly pension, so he would still be able to make ends meet.
IN THE NORTH, the pseudo-government is under a lot of pressure from parents about the poor state of schools. Turkish settlers in the Karpass, according to the Turkish Cypriot press had issued an ultimatum to the pseudo-minister of education. If he did not do something about teacher shortages and big classes, they threatened to take their kids to the Greek school.
THE PRESSURE of working in the palazzo kitchen must be getting to Stef-Stef. On Thursday, he thought it appropriate to make a joke about the fall of the tall tower crane which killed a British woman. “I hope nobody would now say that President Christofias was to blame for the fall of the crane,” he quipped. He could not have been more insensitive and callous if he tried.
IN LARNACA, the police are still employing ‘associates’, for the clampdown on prostitution, in contrast to Limassol where cops are given the thankless task of sleeping with a suspect before the raid of his colleagues. In the latest raid the ‘associate’ gave marked euro notes to the Bulgarian madam for the services of a young Latvian.
AFTER receiving several requests from readers to publish the number of days left before the departure of the comrade chef from the kitchen, we are sad to report that there are still 133 to go until the scheduled second Sunday of elections on February 24.